Blind Date

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave.When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.""Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

Goethe's Tolerance

Goethe was once strolling on a narrow path in a park in Weimar. As luck would have it, he met with a critic who was hostile to him. Both of them stopped, staring at each other. Then the critic said, "I'll never make way for a fool." "But I will," with that Goethe retreated aside.
　　

Cat and Mice

Mrs Brown went to visit one of her friend and carried a small box with holes punched in the top.
　　" What's in your box?" asked the friend.
　　"A cat," answered Mrs Brown. "You see I've been dreaming about mice at night and I'm so scared! This cat is to catch them."
　　"But the mice are only imaginary," said the friend.
　　"So is the cat," whispered Mrs Brown.

Most wanted autograph

Our university newspaper runs a weekly question feature. Recently, the question was: "Whose autograph would you most want to have, and why?" As expected, most responses mentioned music or sports stars, or politicians. The best response came from a freshman, who said, "The person who signs my diploma."

THE PROFESSOR OF ECONOMICS

An economics professor at school had a strict policy that the hourly examinations were to be completed at the bell and anyone who kept writing on their exam after the bell would take a zero on the exam. Well, one guy kept writing on his exam for a while after the bell and then confidently strode up to turn it in. The professor looked at him and said, "Don't bother to hand that paper in... you get a zero for continuing after the bell." The guy looked at him and said, "Professor, do you know who I am!" The professor replied, "No, and I don't care if your dad is president of the United States...you get a zero on this exam" The guy, with a enraged look on his face, shouted, "You mean you have no idea who I am?" The professor responded, "No, I've no idea who you think you are." With that, the guy said "Good!" plunged his exam into the middle of the stack of other student's exams, and did a hasty retreat from the examination room!

BILL TAKES A PLANE RIDE

One night, a Delta twin-engine puddle jumper was flying somewhere above New Jersey. There were five people on board: the pilot, Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, The Dali Lama, and a hippie. Suddenly, an illegal oxygen generator exploded loudly in the luggage compartment, and the passenger cabin began to fill with smoke. The cockpit door opened, and the pilot burst into the compartment. "Gentlemen," he began, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we're about to crash in New Jersey. The good news is that there are four parachutes, and I have one of them!" With that, the pilot threw open the door and jumped from the plane. Michael Jordan was on his feet in a flash. "Gentlemen," he said, "I am the world's greatest athlete. The world needs great athletes. I think the world's greatest athlete should have a parachute!" With these words, he grabbed one of the remaining parachutes, and hurtled through the door and into the night. Bill Gates rose and said, "Gentlemen, I am the world's smartest man. The world needs smart men. I think the world's smartest man should have parachute, too." He grabbed one, and out he jumped. The Dali Lama and the hippie looked at one another. Finally, the Dali Lama spoke. "My son," he said, "I have lived a satisfying life and have known the bliss of True Enlightenment. You have your life ahead of you, you take a parachute, and I will go down with the plane." The hippie smiled slowly and said, "Hey, don't worry, pop. The world's smartest man just jumped out wearing my backpack."

THE DEAF WIFE

A man is talking to the family doctor. "Doc, I think my wife's going deaf." The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is." The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her. Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having MEATLOAF!"

911 EMERGENCY NUMBER

Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?" The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven."

ORDERING DINNER

Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish. "The chicken sounds good, I'll have that," Hillary says. The waiter nods: "And the vegetable?" he asks. "Oh, HE'll have the fish," Hillary replies.

CLINTON'S BIGGEST BILL

President Clinton looks up from his desk in the Oval Office to see one of his aides nervously approach him. "What is it?" exclaims the President. "It's the Abortion Bill, Mr. President - what do you want to do about it?" "Just go ahead and pay it."

Catch a cold

During the fight, the boxer swiped the air furiously, but could not hit his opponent. "How am I doing?" he asked the coach at the end of the round. "Well, if you keep this up," replied the coach, "he might feel the wind and catch a cold."

Second language

A mother mouse was out for a stroll with her babies when she spotted a cat crouched behind a bush. She watched the cat, and the cat watched the mice. Mother mouse barked fiercely, "Woof, woof, woof!" The cat was so terrified that it ran for it's life. Mother mouse turned to her babies and said, "Now, do you understand the value of a second language?"

Five Hundred Times

In the traffic court of a large mid-western city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to his honor that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case in order that she might hasten on to her classes. A wild gleam came into the judge's eye. "You are a school teacher, eh?" said he. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. Sit down at that table and write 'I went through a red light' five hundred times."

I work for 7up

Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says "Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!

Speeding

A speeding motorist was waved down by a police patrol car. “I'm going to give you a ticket for speeding,” said the policeman, writing his note. “You've been driving over 60 miles per hour.” “Would you mind making it 100, officer?” was the reply. “You see, I'm going to sell the car.”

Wedding or Not

Uncle Frank, at 79, was a healthy and wealthy man, a lifelong bachelor. He courted a lot, he said, but "never boiled over-just simmered." On a whim, he decided to take a trip around the country to look up nearly a dozen old girlfriends.Upon his return he exclaimed, "Whew! Thank goodness I never married any of those women - They're all widows now!

Speeding

A speeding motorist was waved down by a police patrol car. “I'm going to give you a ticket for speeding,” said the policeman, writing his note. “You've been driving over 60 miles per hour.” “Would you mind making it 100, officer?” was the reply. “You see, I'm going to sell the car.”

Speeding

A speeding motorist was waved down by a police patrol car. “I'm going to give you a ticket for speeding,” said the policeman, writing his note. “You've been driving over 60 miles per hour.” “Would you mind making it 100, officer?” was the reply. “You see, I'm going to sell the car.”

Prepare Yourself

A story around campus has it taht a student once sent a telegram to his parents reading: "Mom - flunked all courses. Kicked out of school. Prepare Pop." Two days later he received a response: "Pop prepared. Prepare yourself."

Keys? Kiss?

A friend of mine was giving an English lesson to a class of adult who had recently come to live in the United States. After placing quite a number of everyday objects on a table, he asked various members of the class to give him the ruler, the book, the pen and so on. The class went very smoothly and the students seemed interested and serious about the work that they were engaged in until when my friend turned to an Italian student and said, "Give me the kays." The man looked surprised and somewhat at a loss. Seeing this, my friend thought that the student hadn't heard him clearly, so he repeated. "Give me the kays." The Italian shrugged his shoulders. Then, he threw his arms around the teacher's neck and kissed him on both cheeks.

Part-time Job

When my son was a hign-school sophomore, he got a part-time job sacking groceries at a supermarket. He came home all smiles. "How was your first day?" I asked. "It was great, Dad," he replied. "I got to talk to some good-looking girls." Since Stephen is not very talkative, I asked, "What did you say to them?" "Do you prefer paper or plastic?"

Flunking Math

My son, who made the dean's list in his freshman year at Ball State University in Muncie, Ind., called home a few weeks after starting his sophomore year as a psychology student. "Mom," he said excitely, "I have found the answer to surviving college! It isn't the grades that are so important, but the quality of what is learned and how it is applied to daily life. I'm lucky to be having these wonderful experiences!" "And just what does this mean?" I asked. "I'm flunking math," he replied.

Difference

I can always tell a graduate class from an undergraduate class," observed the instructor in one of my graduate engineering courses at California State University in Los Angeles. "When I say, 'Good afternoon,' the undergraduates respond, 'Good afternoon." But the graduate students just write it down."

Virtue

Many years after receiving my graduate degree, I returned to the State University of New York at Binghamton as a faculty member. One day in a crowded elevator, someone remarked on its inefficiency. I said the elevators had not changed in the 20 years since I began there as a student. When the door finally opened, I felt a compassionate pat on my back, and turned to see an elderly nun smiling at me. "You'll get that degree, dear," she whispered. "Perseverance is a virtue."

Plagiarism

A friend of mine who teachs European history at Washington University in St. Louis tell about the time he spotted a plagiarized term paper. He summoned the student to his office. "This isn't your work." he said. "Someone typed it for you straight out of the encyclopedia. "You cann't prove that!" the student sputtered. My friend amiled and show him the paper. Circled in red was: "Also see article on communism."

Class and Ass

Professor Laurie of Glasgow put his notice on his door: "Professor Laurie will not meet his classes today." A student, after reading the notice, rubbed out the "c". Later Professor Laurie came along, and entering into the spirit of the joke, rubbed out the "l".

Eyelids

Peter dozed off while his teacher was talking. Teacher: Peter！Tell us, what's the biggest in the world? Peter: Well, well....eyelids.... Teacher: What？Eyelids？Peter: Yes, sir. Because as soon as I shut my eyes, the eyelids cover everything of the world

Hospitality

The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.

Drunk

One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk." "But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"

A Good Boy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?" "I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered. "You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?" "She is the one who sells the candy."

I Have His Ear in My Pocket

Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?" "A kid bit me," replied Ivan. "Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother. "I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."

He Won

Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself. Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen? Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.

I don't want Him to know I'm here.

A distinguished clergyman and the elders from his congregation attended an out-of-town meeting that did not finish until rather late. They decided to have something to eat before goint home, but unfortunately the only spot open was a seedy bar-and-grill with a questionable

Bad news and very bad news

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news. Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first. Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live. Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news? Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

DON'T BE SELFISH

A mother is admonishing her son. ----Now, John, don't be selfish. Let your little brother share the bicycle with you. ----But Mother, I do. I ride it down the hill, and he rides it up the hill.

ONLY A FEW WORDS

At a court the judge is interrogating a mugger but gets into difficulty because the mugger is a foreigner who doesn't speak English. "Don't you speak English at all?" the judge asks. "Only a few words," replies the mugger. "What words do you know?" "Your purse or your life!"

Life maxim aphorism greatly entire

I cannot be your friend and your flatterer too If a man deceives me once, shame on him, if he deceives me twice, shame on me. If you make yourself an ass, don‘t complain if people ride you. If your ears glow, someone is talking of you. If you run after two hares, you will catch neither. If you sell the cow, you sell her milk too. If you venture nothing, you will have nothing. If you want knowledge, you must toil for it. Industry is the parent of success. It is better to die when life is a disgrace. It is easier to get money than to keep it. It is easy to be wise after the event. It is easy to open a shop but hard to keep it always open. It is hard to please all. It is never too old to learn. It is no use crying over spilt milk. It is the first step that costs troublesome. It is the unforeseen that always happens. It is too late to grieve when the chance is past. It never rains but it pours. It takes three generations to make a gentleman. Jack of all trades and master of none. Judge not from appearances. Justice has long arms.